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As a newspaper columnist, Nancy Devlin, Ph.D. has written over 700 articles on subjects related to education and parenting. Welcome to her Classroom!

College Applications

Posted on February 29, 2012 by Nancy Devlin, PhD

This  is  the  time  when parents and  students  are  making decisions about college.   I have been through this process three times  with my sons and would like to share with you some of  the things I learned about choosing and surviving college.

    The process of applying to colleges can be time-consuming and discouraging.  Many students begin enthusiastically investigating and  visiting colleges only to become discouraged and “burn  out” when  they  are faced with the application forms.  As  a  result, important deadlines are  unmet.   My first  piece of advice therefore, is to begin early and to do a little bit at a time.

     Students  who  know  they  are going  to  apply  to  college should  begin keeping records as early as possible.  They  should list  everything:  clubs,  jobs,  community  activities,  sports, trips,   special  events  and  so  forth.   When  faced  with  an application   form,   most   students   forget   very   important information.

     Students  usually  know  that  they have  to  take  the  SAT (Scholastic Aptitude Tests) as part of the admission  requirement to most colleges.   Many students do not realize,  however,  that many colleges also require achievement tests.  It is best to take these  tests  immediately  after the student  has  completed  the course  in  high school.   Not only is information fresh  in  the student’s  mind  at this time,  but this system also  allows  the student to space these tests over several years. 

     Most  college admission offices agree that the interview  is not  very  important.   What  is  important  is  the  composition required  by most colleges.   I believe the best compositions are those written from the heart.   One applicant wrote a composition in  which she described her room and told what everything  in  it meant  to  her.   Her choice of subject matter made great  sense, since she was certainly the world’s expert on the topic.  She was admitted to the college of her choice.

     Selectivity  in college applications is important,  not only because they require so much work but also because of the expense involved  in  each application.   It is best to apply to no  more than  five colleges and one of the five should be a  college  the student knows will accept him or her.  This is not as difficult a task  for the students who know what they want to study as it  is for those who have no major choice.   Since most schools are not strong  in  all departments,  students should choose  the  school which has an outstanding department in the major of their choice. 

     Students  who choose a college because it is “in” that year, may be setting themselves up for disappointment.   Many  students feel  that  they are at a great disadvantage if they do  not  get into  the prestigious colleges and they  have somehow  failed before  they  even  start.   The idea that there  is  only  “one” college  to  go to in order to be successful is simply not  true. What makes students successful in college is the effort they put into it.

     Since  few  students  begin  their major  studies  in  their freshman year,  there is always a good chance of transferring  to their  first or second choice college in the junior  year.   Many colleges  have  high  attrition  rates in the  first  two  years.  Colleges that are difficult to get into in the freshman year, are sometimes easier to get into in the junior year because there  is not  as  much competition.   Another reason is that grades are  a better  predictor  of  college  performance  than  SAT   scores.  Students  who do well at another college have proven  themselves and  college  admission offices are taking less of  a  chance  on their future success than they are with freshman applicants.

     No matter what the final choice is,  however,  students need to remember that they can succeed anywhere, since it is what they put into the experience that makes the difference.  Many students decide  after  the  first semester,  that they do  not  like  the college they choose and want to come home or transfer.   I  would suggest  that  you encourage your children to stay at  least  two years  at their college.   Most students come to love the schools they  are attending and when properly motivated,  get  very  good educations.

Posted in Getting the Most For Your Child, Parenting | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

From a reader: 10 Common Reasons Kids Should Say Thank You

Posted on February 23, 2012 by Nancy Devlin, PhD

Saying thank you is second nature to most people and we tend to take this simple expression of gratitude for granted. However, because it’s so common, a thank you left unsaid becomes a glaring omission. Parents who don’t teach their children to say thank you are doing a great disservice to their children. People think kids who don’t say thanks are just plain rude. Here are 10 common reasons you should teach your kids to say thank you.

  1. Manners – First of all, it’s just good manners to say thank you. Kids need to learn socially acceptable behavior early and have it reinforced throughout their childhood. Thank you should be two of the first words a child learns to say, after please of course.
  2. Respect – Saying thank you shows respect, especially to adults. Parents should teach their children that not showing gratitude is disrespectful and frowned upon by others.
  3. Show gratitude – Of course, a simple thanks shows gratitude and lets the giver know the gift is appreciated. Even the smallest gesture should be acknowledged when it’s given freely.
  4. Polite – Kids should learn how to be polite to others and saying thank you is part of that process. First you say please, then thank you, follow up with a your welcome and repeat often.
  5. Appreciated – People really appreciate it when kids say thank you and they notice when it’s omitted. When children are unable to express their appreciation for a gift in person, they should be encouraged to send thank you notes.
  6. Etiquette – Saying thank you is just part of proper etiquette that all parents should teach their children. They need to know what’s expected of them to get along in polite society and improper etiquette won’t get them very far.
  7. Good example – Kids who can give an unprompted thank you when it’s required are a good example to their peers and siblings. Politeness is contagious and should be generously shared as often as possible.
  8. Reflects well – When people observe children saying a polite thank you, it reflects well on their parents. On the other hand, when that simple gesture is omitted, it really reflects poorly. Most adults will wonder who’s raising this rude child.
  9. Shows maturity – Polite children appear much more mature than their rude peers and their more likely to gain respect from adults. Kids should be encouraged to say thank you by letting them know it’s the grown up thing to do.
  10. Good habits – Saying please and thank you are just good habits for kids to get into and it should become second nature to them. Repeated often enough, eventually they won’t need to be reminded.

When teaching your children to say please and thank you, be sure to lead by example. Kids learn best by imitation, so make a point of saying thank you to them as well. Since the words thank you can be difficult for toddlers who are just learning to talk, learning it in sign language first can be easier for them. It may become tedious to continually remind kids to say thank you, but eventually it will become second nature to them and they won’t need to be reminded. Giving your children a strong foundation in good manners will serve them well throughout their lives.

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Posted in Behavior, Getting the Most For Your Child, Parenting | 1 Comment

The Aim of Education: Moral and Intellectual Autonomy

Posted on February 20, 2012 by Nancy Devlin, PhD

Once at a school conference, I asked the teacher is my son was empathetic.  “If he sees a classmate in difficulty, does he try to help?”  “Does he express concern if a classmate is hurt?”  “If another child needs help with his classwork, does he offer assistance?”  She said she did not know because the children in her class were required to stay in their seats and were not permitted to talk.  She emphasized the words “her class” and never referred to it as “our class”.

Why do we continue to put children in a classroom together?  The reason should be that children learn as much from each other as they do from the teacher–maybe more.  They are intellectually stimulated by each other.  They learn from the different ways of thinking of their classmates.  They recognize and accept different learning styles.

Often, when a child makes a mistake, the teacher says “That’s wrong.” and asks another child for the “correct” answer.  She can be much more helpful to the whole group if she says, “That’s interesting.”  “How did you arrive at that answer?” The child’s explanation usually will reveal some correctable misconception, but sometimes it may indicate that he is a divergent, creative thinker who sees things differently from the rest of the group.  Understanding how such a student thinks would be interesting and helpful to everyone in the class.  It also helps students to understand that there is more than one way to solve a problem.

Teachers who insist that their students remain silent and immobile, tend to teach mainly by the lecture method.  They stand in front of the class and do most of the talking.  Usually, when they do interact, it is with one child at a time.  Social interaction and cooperative learning are discouraged.  In classes run like this, little would be lost if the school system broke up the class and isolated each student in front of a TV monitor.

In such a system, the teacher gives lectures from a TV studio or Skype.  The children interact with her, one at a time by pushing buttons and turning on query lights.  The teacher then selects one of the lights and opens a channel for the question.  The students do not interact with each other.  This eliminates students taking and moving around which some teachers find threatening to their authority.  This is not as far-fetched as it sounds, it is already being done where necessary to serve widely separated rural communities which have few children.

Teachers who keep tight control of their class and who do not permit, encourage and plan for interactions among students not only waste valuable learning experiences, they retard the children’s progress toward their full intellectual potential.  It reminds me of a cartoon where the teacher says to the class: “This class will stimulate your ideas and thoughts…remember, no talking.”  We all perceive how ridiculous this sounds and know instinctively that there will be little learning or creative thinking in that class.

A class is comprised of a group of people who work together for a common goal and are concerned about each other.  The whole class, which includes the teacher, is involved and responsible not only for the successes of the group but for its failures.  They all succeed and fail together.  The students not only develop intellectually by learning together, they also grow morally by developing a concern for their peers.  Children learn concern for others by observing and modeling adult behavior and by helping and working with each other.

Jean Piaget, the noted Swiss psychologist, stated that the aim of education is moral and intellectual autonomy.  They go together.  Everything we do in the name of education should have the potential for developing these two attributes in our children  Anything we do in the name of education which thwarts the development of these attributes should be re-evaluated and changed.

Posted in Educational Reform, Getting the Most For Your Child, Teachers | Tagged , , , | 4 Comments

The Tyranny of the SAT

Posted on February 14, 2012 by Nancy Devlin, PhD

The Scholastic Appitude Test (SAT) produced by the Educational Testing  Service measures verbal and mathematical abilities by means of multiple choice questions.  Since most college admission offices use these scores to determine eligibility for admission, it is very important that high school students do well on the tests.

As a result, every high school student and teacher knows that the SAT test is the public’s final evaluation of whether the students, and, thus, the school have succeeded.  Some high schools hesitate to introduce new, and perhaps better, programs because such programs may adversely affect the SAT scores of their students.  In other words, why tamper with success even thought high SAT scores do not necessarily indicate that the curriculum is outstanding or that high scoring students are the brightest, best and most creative thinkers.  College admission officers who overemphasize the importance of these scores may be doing a disservice not only to their institutions but also to high school curricula and ultimately to students.

A great deal of pressure is put on high school students who know their academic future depends on three hours of testing. This is especially true of students who, who even though quite intelligent, are poor test takers because they do not do well under pressure or in timed situations.  As a result, students are forced to spend a great deal of time learning how to take the test and to get higher scores.  This is time that might profitably be spent in other academic endeavors.

Not only is there time involved in learning how to get higher scores, there is also money.  Many enterprising businesses have sprung up giving courses to help student gain higher scores.  The students take these courses after school thus adding an extra burden on them.  This is time well spent, however, if their goal is higher scores.  The question is: are these students better qualified for college than those who did not take the course?  If this is true, than high schools should be giving these courses not outside companies.  As a matter of fact, if high SAT scores are the ultimate goal of education, then all high schools should be teaching for the test.  Otherwise students who have the money to take the courses would have a decided advantage over student who could not afford them.

It is time to save high school students a great deal of unnecessary grief and time taking coaching courses.  It is also time to free high schools from the unnecessary tyranny imposed on them to produce students who are good multiple choice test takers rather than creative learners and thinkers.

Posted in Educational Reform, From Experience, Getting the Most For Your Child, Parenting, Teachers | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Teacher Tenure

Posted on February 8, 2012 by Nancy Devlin, PhD

Teacher tenure laws are coming under close scrutiny, usually not in a pleasant way.  One headline read: “When teachers should be expelled from class.” “New hope for getting ride of bad apples.”  The assumption seems to be that tenure permits teachers to remain in classrooms when they are “burned out” and not helpful to children.

There must be a reason why we put teachers in classrooms with a group of children and then put these classrooms together in order to make a school.  The reason should be that everyone in the school is important and that all are concerned about each other.  Schools are in the business of education and that should include the education of everyone involved in the enterprise.  If this is not the purpose, then maybe we should consider breaking up the schools into something more efficient.  If the purpose is merely to give out information so that the children can give it back correctly in tests, then maybe a more efficient operation would be to put each child in front of a computer.  If this is so, then we do not need schools at all.  Each child could have a computer at home.

Most people do not believe this.  Schools are made up of a community of people.  Every school community must decide what it is all about and what it wants to accomplish for its members.  It needs to be a group decision because each member is important for the success of the others and each member has to take some responsibility for the failures.

Any group of teachers has individual strengths and weaknesses.  In a safe environment, it would be okay for teachers to say what they do well and what they do not do well.  In many cases, members of the school community already have this information.  They know which teachers are strong in certain areas and which teachers are not.

Teachers need to be encouraged to describe their strengths and weaknesses.  This information should not be used against them, but should be used to exploit their strengths and to remediate their weaknesses.

Suppose a particular school discovers that it is weak in science and math and wants to improve.  The school community knows that several teachers do not like or understand these subjects.  These teachers usually compensate by rigorously following the textbooks and limiting class discussions.  There are options available to the school to help these teachers.

Just to mention a few:  Teachers could team teach with one taking over the science and math while the other concentrates on the liberal arts.  Teachers could visit classrooms where the teachers do a great job teaching science and math.  These teachers could then become mentors to those who feel insecure in these subjects.  Staff development opportunities could be made available for teachers to visit other schools with outstanding programs and report back to their colleagues about what they learned.  Time and money could be allocated for some teachers to take additional courses in a highly recommended science and math program.  In other words, they would be helped to succeed in this educational enterprise called a school.

This may sound too “pie in the sky” to be practical but is is more practical than having a complex, expensive program of recertification which probably will not result in changing teachers or education.  There has to be a more fundamental change in the system which would have a domino effect to bring about other changes.

The change necessary would have all the occupants of the school responsible for everything that happens there.  This also includes the students in each individual classroom.  Children are not in classrooms merely to interact individually, one-on-one with the teacher.  They are part of a group brought together to help each other to learn and to grow.  The same thing should be true of every adult connected with the community called school.

 

 

Posted in Educational Reform, Parenting, Teachers | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Seasonal Affective Disorder

Posted on February 7, 2012 by Nancy Devlin, PhD

We  are in the SAD months of winter.  This is the time  when
the  days are too short and there is not enough sun.  People  are
tired  and moody.  Even though there is a name for this  feeling,
Seasonal  Affective  Disorder, most people are unaware  that  the                 problem  exists.  Otherwise, they would be more sensitive to  its
effects on themselves, family, friends and co-workers.

Instead of being kinder to each other , people tend to  have
shorter  fuses and to blow up with little provocation.   Is  this
more  prevalent during the winter months?   It seems so  by  just
reading one winter day’s edition of the newspaper.

These months must also adversely affect members of  families
and  children in schools.  After the holiday rush and feeling  of
good  will, there is bound to be a let down.  If you as a  parent
are feeling it maybe now is the time to admit you are SAD and  to
do something about it.  Just admitting it is helpful too  because             
you  know  it is a temporary feeling and will go  away  with  the
sunshine.
In the meantime, try getting yourself and your family out of
the house as much as possible.  Plan ahead for trips that involve
some physical activity.  Instead of sleeping in the middle of the
day,  plan  to  go for a walk while it  is  still  light  outside
instead.

Schools  can  do the same thing.  Now is the  time  to  plan
trips out of the building.  With no snow so far this year,  these
trips  are possible.  At the very least, schools might have  more
recess time especially if the students seem tired or moody.  

Other  suggestions  which  would be  helpful  to  homes  and
classrooms  are  to  get  as much light  into  the  buildings  as
possible.   Try  turning on all of lights and  even  adding  more
lights  to  the  rooms.  Take down the heavy  drapes  and  window
shades.   Trim the foliage away from the windows.   If  possible,
paint  the  walls  a light color or cover  the  dark  walls  with
something light.

People seem sadder than usual this year.  This might be  due
to  the  fact  that there was no glistening snow  to  offset  the
grayness of bare tress.  A dark rainy day with no sun can be very
depressing.

When  adults are sad, and their tempers are short, and  they
are  moody and non-communicative, then they not available to  the    
children.   Children need adults twelve months of the  year.   If
you  feel  sad, do something about it.  If  nothing  else,  treat
yourself  to a big hot fudge sundae.  Apparently a little bit  of  sugar goes a long way when you are SAD.

Posted in From Experience, Parenting | 1 Comment

Does Your Child Really Have ADHD?

Posted on January 29, 2012 by Nancy Devlin, PhD

I just returned from John’s graduation from high school.  Not only did he graduate in 4 years, he received two blue ribbons for his sculptures, first honors as a senior and acceptance in to college to study graphic design.  Pretty good for a kid who in first grade was diagnosed by the school system as having Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD).

This is a cautionary tale for all parents who have a child so designated by the school system. 

It is easier for the school system to put a label on a child and make it the child’s problem, rather than the school examining its philosophy and possibly discovering that it is the school system’s problem.  By calling it the child’s problem the system does not have to change to fit the child’s educational needs.  Instead the child must change to fit the system’s needs. 

You many say that the system does not know what the children’s needs are.  With all of the testing and evaluations done on children, the system does have the necessary data.  The problem is nobody is in charge of interpreting them and making the necessary adjustments.  It is somewhat like the dilemma facing the CIA and FBI.  They had all the information and data needed to predict and to thwart terrorist strikes but nobody knew how or was assigned to correlate and to interpret the information.  This is also true of special education programs.  The law requires reams of testing but few people are trained and given the responsibility to correlate, to understand and to make practical use of all the data.  A number of special education teachers are leaving the field not because of the children but because of all the work required of them to accumulate this essential but mostly unused data.  John’s experience is a case in point. 

John’s history, to which the school had access, indicated that he had frequent ear infections as a baby and subsequently had tubes in his ears.  He still was not talking at age three.  When he did begin speaking, he mispronounced words and nobody understood him. 

In first grade, John was placed in a small class of sixteen children because they all had communication problems.  These children were taught using the reading program mandated for use by the whole school.  It required that every student be taught by learning the sounds of the letters and then sounding out the words.  This was something, since birth, John could not do.  Consequently, although bright, he was not learning to read and he knew it. 

The sixteen children in his class were not permitted to move from or in their seats.  They were not permitted to talk.  They were not even permitted to sound out the words while working in their workbooks because that too was regarded as talking.

The teacher taught the reading lesson to the whole class as a group strictly following the teacher’s manual.  She worked from the chalk board at the front of the room, away from the students.  John was in a seat which not only made it difficult to hear the teacher but to see the chalkboard.  He had to move in his seat in order to see the board. 

Because John was not learning to read, the teacher referred him to the child study team.  Before he was evaluated, the school counselor called his mother and told her that John was a DSM III-R attention-deficit, hyperactive- disorder (ADHD) child.  She recommended to his mother that she take him to a neurologist because there could be a question of medication.  Again, something was wrong with the child, not the program the child was in. 

Testing indicated that John had high average intelligence, but had a problem with language.  Since the system would not change its school-wide mandated reading program, John would have to change.  The only other option the school could offer was for him to receive his reading instruction in the more flexible program in the learning disability class.  Since this was not acceptable under the rules and regulations for the handicapped, the school was forced to create a Resource Room Program for students like John who required reading programs appropriate for their individual learning styles.  John learned to read.  Thus, his story had a happy ending. 

You can have a happy ending for your child if you to learn to ask questions of the school system.  Here is a partial list:

  1. If the school system labels your child, ask for a description of the behavior that results in that label.  One person’s definition may not be another’s.  This is particularly true of the ADHD label which is often based on rating scales and checklists supplied by the teacher.  Observation, not checklists, is the essential procedure necessary to describe this behavior.
  2. Ask the question, “Why”.  Why does the child behave that way?  For some children like John, he knows he’s not doing well, but he does not know why or what to do about it.  He might even begin to doubt his ability to do anything right.  Or he might feel that he is not a good person because he is unable to do the school work, and he is letting his parents down.  He might even be afraid of losing their love.
  3. Remember these are children.  They think and interpret their world and their place in it like children, not adults.  They are concrete thinkers, not abstract.  They need all the encouragement and support and understanding you can give them.  Your role is to be their advocates and best friends.
  4. There are a few children for whom medication might be indicated.  Before you reach that conclusion, however, be sure you understand your child’s role as a member of a very complex school system.

Posted in Getting the Most For Your Child, Labeling, Parenting, Teachers | Tagged , , , , | 8 Comments

Parents Develop Your Child’s Self Esteem

Posted on January 22, 2012 by Nancy Devlin, PhD

There  is  a great deal written about self esteem  and  what
teachers and parents can to do to help develop this attribute  in
children.

Dr. Julius Segal in the Brown University Child Behavior  and
Development  Letter writes that teachers have enormous  power  in
affecting children’s self esteem.  They serve as powerful models. 
He reports on a large body of research which shows that teacher’s
expectations of the child’s capacities affect not only  learning,
but  motivation and self-esteem.  Dr. Segal feels  that  teachers
often provide the magical bond that allows many children to  turn
their lives from certain defeat to glorious victory. 

There  is  an  article  in  another  publication   entitled,
“Raising Kids”, which gives parents guidelines on how to  enhance
their  children’s  self esteem.  The article  states  that, while
children’s   feelings  about  themselves  are  shaped   by   many
influences,  parents  are the first and  most  important.   These
authors recommend that parents: be responsive to needs; take time
to let the child feel loved, special and unique; love and  accept
the child unconditionally; accept all of the child’s feelings  as
legitimate  and  talk about them; give the child the  freedom  to
create and master challenges. 

All  of  these experts put the burden  of  developing  self-
esteem on everybody but the child.  The assumption is that if all
of  the  adults do their job well, the child will  have  positive
self-esteem.   While the adults are important,  self-esteem  must
ultimately come from within each child.  In many cases, it  might
have  to come in spite of the adults around the child.  In  other
words, the child needs to take responsibility for how he feels. 

Jill  Anderson  developed  a  program  entitled,  “Thinking,
Changing, Rearranging” which is based on Albert Ellis’  Rational-
Emotive Therapy.  Instead of developing self-esteem by trying  to
fix  things  for  children  so  they  will  experience   success,
validation   and  love,  this  program  provides  children   with
knowledge  and  skills so they can take control  of  their  inner
environment  regardless of what happens in the external one.  The
program  helps  children  take charge of  their  day  and  become
responsible  for their feelings.  Children are helped to give  up
the  belief that they “have to” feel a certain way  “because  of”
what happens. They learn that they are in charge of their beliefs
even though they cannot control events and people around them.
  
The  program  helps children distinguish  amongst  fact  and
rational  beliefs and irrational beliefs.  Unnecessary  emotional
pain is often caused when children treat an irrational belief  as
a  fact.  When this happens we have the beginnings of racism  and
sexism and acts of people like Hitler. 
  
The following are eleven irrational beliefs which will cause
them  problems:   Everybody  must love me.  I  must  be  good  at
everything.   Some people are bad and must be  punished.   Things
should  be different.  It’s your fault I feel this way.   I  know
something bad will happen soon.  It’s easier not to even try.   I
can’t help being this way.  I need someone stronger than I am.  I
need to get upset about your problems.  There’s only one good way
to do it.

These  are the rational beliefs which help and do not  cause
problems: Everybody does not have to love me.  It is okay to make
mistakes.   Other people are okay and I’m okay.  I don’t have  to
control  things.  I am responsible for my day.  I can  handle  it
when things go wrong.  It is important to try.  I am capable.   I
can change.  Other people are capable.  I can be flexible.

Aldous Huxley is quoted as saying: “There’s only one  corner
of the universe you can be certain of improving: and that’s  your
own  self.”   I  encourage you and your  children  to  begin  the process.

Posted in Behavior, Getting the Most For Your Child, Parenting | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Discipline – What Does It Mean?

Posted on January 17, 2012 by Nancy Devlin, PhD

Renee Polreis of Colorado was convicted of beating her adopted two-year old son to death with a wooden spoon. Like their parents before them, many adults feel it is necessary to use force to punish children “for their own good”. It is time for all adults who have children in their care to think about what the verb “to discipline” means to them.

Discipline is derived from the Latin “disciplina” meaning teaching and learning. What does a concrete-thinking child learn from adults who “discipline” by hitting him either with their hands or with objects?

A list of some things he learns might include: Might makes right. It is okay to hit someone smaller if he cannot hit you back. Adults find it is easy just to hit me. I am not worth the time and effort it takes to teach me another way to behave. Lying is a way to avoid being hit. Behavior which annoys adults gets their attention. Physical abuse is better than being ignored. I must be very bad and unlovable otherwise I would not be hit so much. Nothing I do pleases so why bother trying. It is best to be very quiet, withdraw and hide because when they start to hit they do not stop, and the angrier they get, the harder they hit.

The last behavior is what caused the problem for Mrs. Polreis. She lost control. Today’s parents are under great stress. It is easy to “lose it” and “just hitting” quickly becomes abuse. The wonder is that more children are not abused.

Consider the following sources of stress. Could any of them cause you to lose it? Your boss gave you a really hard time at work. You just learned your car needs a new engine. Your neighbor is threatening a law suit over some trivial dispute. Or, you are stuck in the house all day, with no support system, and the children are screaming and hollering at each other. The school called and complained about your older child’s homework not being done and poor behavior in the classroom. Two of the children spit up their supper. The baby-sitter cannot come and a substitute cannot be found at the last minute for your only night out in a month. The TV dies. You are exhausted and depressed. All you want is peace and quiet. Then two of the kids start to scream at each other right in your face.

It is dangerous to advise today’s parents that it is okay to use physical force on a child. The wife of a Colorado minister testified that she taught Renee Polreis to punish her adopted Russian son by hitting him with wooden spoons. You would have to know somebody very, very well before this advice could be given safely. Maybe somebody could use the spoon sparingly, but most people, once they start hitting, get more and more frustrated, and more and more angry and cannot stop. What might have started out as punishment quickly turns to abuse. And sadly, in Mrs. Polreis’ case, to murder. It is best not to rely on hitting in the first place.

Not only is physical punishment dangerous, it is ineffective over the long haul. An adversarial relationship exacerbated by hitting and protracted over a long period of time, must eventually result in failure for the adult. As the child get older, taller, and sometimes stronger than the adult, hitting is no longer possible. Adults now have no control over the child and the child does not know how to discipline himself because he was never taught.

Remember, there is no such thing as just a little spanking. Spanking is hitting and hitting children is not discipline. It is punishment. Punishment is usually violent and done in anger. Often the real sources of an adult’s anger and frustration are not available but children are, and they become the easy and defenseless targets.

True discipline is thoughtful and caring. It takes time, effort and know-how. Like all parenting skills, how to discipline can be learned. If you need help, reach out and ask for it. It is there for you. Do it for the children. They and their children and future generations will be forever grateful.

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Preparing For The Holiday Break

Posted on December 20, 2011 by Nancy Devlin, PhD

I wish you a joyous, peaceful and tranquil holiday season.  With all the children out of school and underfoot this is not easy to achieve.  Start planning now.

Provide activities for the children.  For the younger ones, save all of the Christmas wrappings, bows, cards, twine and anything else that is laying around after the presents are opened.  Later, when they seem to have used up all of thier own creative ideas for activities, bring outh this box of “dignified junk”.  Add to it scissors and paste and paper and let them use their imaginations.

You can add to this activity an element of  helping others, by having them make a scrapbook of Christmas cards to be sent or delivered to a nearby nursing home.  A visit to a nursing home is not a bad idea in itself.  Your children could bring joy to people who are not getting much attention and would welcome a change in the routine.  Planning an activity like this conveys the message that Christmas is not just the “getting of presents” season, it is also the giving season.

Another idea is to use a book like “50 Simple Things Kids Can Do To Save the Earth” and plan activities to help children understand the dangers to the environment.  This makes them active and not passive learners.  They have a part to play in saving the earth.  They can and should make a difference.  It is everybody’s problem.  Here are some examples:  Start collecting the glass bottles and jars and put them in the recyling bin.  Wash out aluminum cans and recycle in the same way.  Carry a bag to put trash in when you go for a walk.  Make a bird house out of a milk carton.  Bring your own bag with you when you go shopping.  Grow greenery at home.  Be a paper-saver.  These are only seven of the ideas from this book.  Doing them all, would keep your children very busy during the holidays and would make them good citizens. 

Another idea is for your family to decide on a good cause or worthy group that could use your help.  The largest group living in poverty is children.  You and your family can begin by writing letters to voice your opposition to lack of funding for programs that serve children.  In a financial crisis, they are the first to be dropped.

Another activity would be for children to clean out their closets of clothes and toys they no longer need and take them to a drop-off  box.

It is always a good idea to plan some outings for the children.  You know the list: library, museum, zoo, park.  It is also important for the adults to plan an outing for themselves without the children.  Too much togetherness can wear anybody down.  Plan to have a high school student available to help you when you need a break.  The student could also play all those games the children received for Christmas.  That relieves you of a great burden not only in having to understand the directions but in having to play the games over and over again.  Good planning makes for good cheer.  I hope your holidays are cheerful.

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