Today's children face rejection at younger and younger ages. Frenzied parents start the process when their children are nursery school age. High-powered mothers do whatever it takes to have their children admitted to the most prestigious nursery schools.
Even though the parents are told by the schools that admission does not help their child get into Harvard or that where their child goes to nursery school is of no consequence to anyone, they still involve their children in what is a negative and in some cases a destructive process. It is hard being three years old knowing that you have disappointed your parents because you were not accepted. It is even harder if you are a teenager and did not get accepted into Harvard, Princeton or Yale. These students, in addition to feeling that they have disappointed their parents, also feel a great sense of disappointment themselves. In a way, they feel that they have failed again. Parents need to be kind to these rejected teenagers to help them get through April, the rejection month. As with the nursery school children, these students eventually attend great colleges but many still feel that they have failed because they did not get into the college of their first choice. It may be difficult for some parents to be sympathetic to their child's disappointment because they are so disappointed themselves. Their prestige may have been so involved in having a successful Harvard graduate in the family, that they cannot hide their disappointment even for their child's sake. It is even more difficult for those families if one parent is, in fact, a successful Harvard graduate. These parents need to exercise extreme caution about the messages they send to their child. They need to believe and to convince their child that education is not so much about what other people do, it is about what the student does.
Research shows that most college students are very happy with the colleges they eventually attend even though, in most cases, it is not the college of their first choice.
No matter what college he attends, he will get out of it what he puts into it. Keep encouraging them. Respond to the emotion expressed not the content.
It usually does not help to give logical explanations about why the college they finally choose to attend is right for them.
Sentences like: "This college has an outstanding faculty. Just look at all of the books in the library." Or even, "The football team is the best in the nation."
They really cannot be convinced rationally. The best approach is to respond to the emotion by saying, "It's hard, but I think you can do it." I have confidence in you." " I know you are going through a tough time. Let's talk about it." Parents can only say these sentences with conviction, if they themselves are convinced that their child can be successful at any college because it is what he puts into the experience that is the most important ingredient for success.
Research shows that most college students are very happy with the colleges they eventually attend even though, in most cases, it is not the college of their first choice. They might feel, however, that the grass is greener on the other campus and they would be doing much better if only they had gotten into the other college. This is usually not so. It helps for parents to encourage their children to remain in whatever college they are at for at least two years. All of these thoughts may help families deal with rejection but what will really help the student the most will be the support, sympathy and encouragement of his family. Do not let them down.
First published in 1998
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