Part of the "code of honor" in our country's epidemic of violence is never to refuse a dare no matter how outlandish.
To do so would mean that you are a wimp and that you lose face with your peers. A recent example of such an attitude is found in Kevin Costner's movie, "Waterworld". In one disturbing scene the Kevin Costner character takes the dare of the Dennis Hopper character and destroys everybody in the town-size population on a large ship.
Parents can tell their children about difficult choices they have had to make and why they chose one way of behaving over another.
In this scene, Costner, intent on saving a young girl, holds a burning flare over a shaft. He knows that if he drops the flare everybody will die. The Hopper character implies that he lacks the guts to do it, but, of course, Costner's character is macho and sets off a huge, murderous blast without a qualm. What a shame that Kevin Costner with all of his fame, money and clout chose to portray this kind of person. He must know that young impressionable viewers cannot fail to get the message: You never back down from a dare. Parents need to counteract such a message and the best time to start is when your children are young. The older they get the more they are influenced by their peers and less by their parents. The first message to teach children is that they have a choice. Make clear to your children that they do not have to do something because some other child dares them to do it. Children need to practice understanding and making right choices.
The best models for this type of behavior are their parents. Parents can tell their children about difficult choices they have had to make and why they chose one way of behaving over another. Remember when you do this to be specific because young children are concrete thinkers. Think back. Did you ever walk away from a gang of kids bent on vandalism, or theft, or a fight? If so, share with your children not only the strength of character you demonstrated on that occasion but how you felt by not allowing somebody else to control you. These messages can also be given through stories you read to your children. Ask questions which elicit understanding on the part of the children that the characters acted well when they were not swayed by other characters to do something wrong or something they did not want to do. This same technique can be used when watching movies or television programs with your children. Ask them what else the character could have done or said instead of stupidly allowing someone else to control his actions. How do they feel about the characters who are so easily manipulated by others?
Together make up more intelligent responses which would have made the story turn out better. It sometimes helps to give children sentences they can use when confronted by another child's dare where they must be adamant in refusing to do something stupid, wrong or dangerous. Role playing such situations helps. Ask your children to make up the scenarios based on something they may have seen or heard in school or at play. Children need to understand that another child saying sentences like: "You're just chicken." "Everybody else is doing it."
"You're not doing it because you are just a baby and you have no guts." "You're not one of the gang if you don't do what we do."
"You're just a cry-baby." "Go on home to Mommy and don't come back." are just said to control him. He shows more spunk and lots more guts when he can depart with: "I don't care what the rest of you chose to do." "I am not going to do it." Or he can leave with just a look of disgust at his challenger. If you can get your child to reach that point, you are a very successful parent and deserve to be proud of yourself and your child.
First published in 1995
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