We live in difficult times. Many of the guidelines previous generations had for living have been discarded by this generation and nothing has been found to fill the void.
For adults, there are many sources of stress in life.
At the top of a list is loss of a spouse by death, divorce or separation. Since the divorce rate is so high, we know that many families have to deal with serious stress.
Children, also, suffer stress as a result of our present life style.
Parents, also pressured, are often unavailable physically and emotionally to help their children.
Some which I have encountered include:
Latchkey children who are fearful of strangers because they go home to empty houses. Children who cannot get or keep the attention of their mothers and fathers because of the busy lives their parents lead.
Some children are unable to keep up with their peers in school work and do not know what to do about it. Some are afraid because of real and fictional violence presented so graphically on TV. Others fear that they will be unable to live up to their parents' expectations, disappointing them and possibly being rejected by them. The list goes on.
Parents, also pressured, are often unavailable physically and emotionally to help their children. Stress in children is a recognized problem, and more and more guidelines are becoming available for parents to follow in helping their children.
23 Stress is a combination of three things: the "something out there," a personal interpretation of that "something," and the body's physical reaction to that "something." Children may not be able to change the "something out there" that is causing them stress but they may be helped to interpret it differently and deal with it. They also can learn some techniques to deal with the negative bodily reactions to stress.
Adults can be helpful to children by not transmitting their fears to them. Many times when a family is in distress either from family disintegration, financial problems, or illness, the children do not know what is going on.
They hear bits of conversations and then their imaginations take over and they become fearful. It is important that parents understand that children feel the tension in the family and need to know that adults are in charge and will take care of them.
Children can be helped by finding a friend.
Someone who likes them for themselves and not because they come from a certain desirable background or because they are the brightest in the class. This should be a friend they can confide in. It is important that children also have an adult they trust that they can talk to and who accepts them completely as a person no matter what they say or do. This does not mean that the adult accepts or condones all of their actions. It helps to relieve stress if children learn to tell the truth quickly. This is easier to do if there is an understanding adult in children's lives.
Children and adults should be realistic in their expectations of themselves. They cannot be perfect and they are going to make mistakes but mistakes are not failures. Adults can help children by encouraging their efforts and focusing on their strengths and successes not on their failures.
Another way adults can help children deal with stress is to teach them techniques to relax their bodies.
Dr. Antoinette Sauders has a book entitled, "The Stress Proof Child" in which she gives some techniques. Most of these techniques help the child relax and feel less tense by breathing exercises and by pretending they are in a special happy place which makes them feel good.
We all feel stress at some time. Whether it makes us immobile or whether we learn from it is up to us. It may even stimulate us to change something in our lives which is negative. We need to learn to control it and help our children to do the same. In families it helps for all members to learn how to relax by being a good listener, by being a good hugger, by being encouraging and by laughing and having fun. Try it.
First published in 1992
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